Samurai Appliance Repair Man's Blog

Most folks think of appliance repair as just another one of the technical trades, like a plumber or electrician. And, it’s true, there are those who practice appliance repair as merely a trade. But did you know that appliance repair is actually an ancient martial art, older than Kung Fu, Karate Do, and Tae Kwon Do all put together? Yes, my leetle Grasshoppers, I shi’ite you not. The ancient martial art of appliance repair is called Fixite Do (pronounced “fixi-tay do”). According to archeological records, Fixite Do originated in Lower Slabovia sometime during the Fermentecean era, which began right after the Jurassic era. You may be interested to know that Samurai Appliance Repair Man is a fully trained and certifiable master in the ancient appliance repair martial art of Fixite Do. The picture below is an actual live shot of the Samurai applying his art:




The Samurai Demonstrates Fixite Do

... after watching the best redneck commercial I've ever seen...



... or not. I don't care.

What do you get when you cross Edgar Allen Poe, Appliantology.org, and Chief Master Appliantologist DurhamAppliance?  Answer:  The Craven

THE CRAVEN
or If Edgar Allen Poe (Master Poe?) was an Appliantologist (and less talented)



Once upon a late night  dreary, while I staggered, weak and beery
Over many a quaint bottles from the neighborhood store.
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping
As of someone barely rapping, rapping at my kitchen door
It's my girl, I stammered, "tapping at my kitchen door
Only this and nothing more"

Presently my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer
"Baby" said I, "truly your forgiveness I implore:
But the fact is I was dozing when you came a nozing
Around my kitchen door that I scarce was sure I heard you."
Then here I opened wide the door
...Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing
until the silence was quickly broken, scared to death I began choking
As the tapping. no the rapping, no the knocking I was sure,
Was the knock knock knocking of my GE's compressor.
The tell tale sign of death of my GE's compressor.

Nightmares of spending money, as I imagine my sweet honey
Shop, shop, shopping  from store to store. "We must have a french door
A Wolf, a Sub Zero" she'd implore "or better yet a Thermador."
While in the background the constant knocking of my GE's compressor,
the knock knock knocking of my GE's compressor.

The knocking became a squeaking, as if the fridge was speaking
But it could not be no more than the state of my stupor,
Morphing sound into speech from the cursed compressor,
From the knock knock knocking of the cursed compressor.
"it's only the beer, and nothing more."

Then came an ungodly sound, my soul entranced, my mind spellbound
against its will to perform an act, to sell my soul through Faustian pact.
"Open my door"  it forcefully roared, "the door to me, the Motherboard!"
Am I in hell or is this still the knocking, the constant knocking of my GE compressor?
I had to find out, I had to explore or was I  compelled to remove the door.
or simply too craven to ignore.

The door fell open awakening evil inside. "Save me" it ordered, SAVE ME!" it cried
"Buy another fridge get another GE, Remove that board. Replace it with me!"
Suddenly from a drawer I withdrew a stake for fondue, From Hell's heart I stab at thee! From Hell's heart I run you through!"
What came over me?  Something in my core? Something reinforced by Appliantology.org?
I continued the destruction while shouting at the board, "buy another GE, Huh? Ha!..............Nevermore!"

Source: "The Craven" an appliance related Tale of Horror