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What if Edgar Allen Poe was an Appliantologist?

Samurai Appliance Repair Man


What do you get when you cross Edgar Allen Poe,, and Chief Master Appliantologist DurhamAppliance? Answer: The Craven


or If Edgar Allen Poe (Master Poe?) was an Appliantologist (and less talented)

Once upon a late night dreary, while I staggered, weak and beery

Over many a quaint bottles from the neighborhood store.

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping

As of someone barely rapping, rapping at my kitchen door

It's my girl, I stammered, "tapping at my kitchen door

Only this and nothing more"

Presently my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer

"Baby" said I, "truly your forgiveness I implore:

But the fact is I was dozing when you came a nozing

Around my kitchen door that I scarce was sure I heard you."

Then here I opened wide the door

...Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing

until the silence was quickly broken, scared to death I began choking

As the tapping. no the rapping, no the knocking I was sure,

Was the knock knock knocking of my GE's compressor.

The tell tale sign of death of my GE's compressor.

Nightmares of spending money, as I imagine my sweet honey

Shop, shop, shopping from store to store. "We must have a french door

A Wolf, a Sub Zero" she'd implore "or better yet a Thermador."

While in the background the constant knocking of my GE's compressor,

the knock knock knocking of my GE's compressor.

The knocking became a squeaking, as if the fridge was speaking

But it could not be no more than the state of my stupor,

Morphing sound into speech from the cursed compressor,

From the knock knock knocking of the cursed compressor.

"it's only the beer, and nothing more."

Then came an ungodly sound, my soul entranced, my mind spellbound

against its will to perform an act, to sell my soul through Faustian pact.

"Open my door" it forcefully roared, "the door to me, the Motherboard!"

Am I in hell or is this still the knocking, the constant knocking of my GE compressor?

I had to find out, I had to explore or was I compelled to remove the door.

or simply too craven to ignore.

The door fell open awakening evil inside. "Save me" it ordered, SAVE ME!" it cried

"Buy another fridge get another GE, Remove that board. Replace it with me!"

Suddenly from a drawer I withdrew a stake for fondue, From Hell's heart I stab at thee! From Hell's heart I run you through!"

What came over me? Something in my core? Something reinforced by

I continued the destruction while shouting at the board, "buy another GE, Huh? Ha!..............Nevermore!"

Source: "The Craven" an appliance related Tale of Horror