Troubleshooting Guide

[Bob_K]

A Troubleshooting Guide for The Fermented Grand Master of Appliantogy.

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM

Feet cold and wet

CAUSE

Glass held at incorrect angle

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

SYMPTOM

Feet cold and wet

CAUSE

Glass held at incorrect angle

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

SYMPTOM

Feet warm and wet

CAUSE

Improper Bladder Control

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

SYMPTOM

Beer unusually pale and tasteless

CAUSE

a. Glass empty.

B. You're holding a Coors Lite

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

CAUSE

You have fallen over backward.

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Have yourself leashed to bar

SYMPTOM

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes

CAUSE

You have fallen forward

CORRECTIVE ACTION

See above

SYMPTOM

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

CAUSE

a. Mouth not open

B. Glass applied to wrong part of face

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

SYMPTOM

Floor Blurred

CAUSE

You are looking through bottom of empty glass

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM

Floor moving

CAUSE

You are being carried out

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM

Room seems unusually dark

CAUSE

Bar has closed

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

SYMPTOM

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures

CAUSE

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limits

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

SYMPTOM

Everyone looks up to you and smiles

CAUSE

You are dancing on the table

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Fall on someone cushy-looking

SYMPTOM

Beer is crystal-clear

CAUSE

It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Punch him

SYMPTOM

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup

CAUSE

You're in the ladies' room

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

SYMPTOM

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

CAUSE

You have been in a fight

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

SYMPTOM

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in

CAUSE

You've wandered into the wrong party

CORRECTIVE ACTION

See if they have free beer

SYMPTOM

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk

CAUSE

a. You're in jail

B. You're in the Navy

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances, sleep on your stomach

SYMPTOM

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps

CAUSE

You're in a gay bar

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Keep your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

SYMPTOM

Your singing sounds distorted

CAUSE

The beer is too weak

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Have more beer until your voice improves

SYMPTOM

Don't remember the words to the song

CAUSE

Beer is just right

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Play air guitar

[Samurai Appliance Repair Man]

A very erudite and detailed troubleshooting guide which illustrated important troubleshooting principles: logical thinking, correctly identifying cause and effect, and skillfully implementing corrective actions. Great post, Bob! I moved it here to the General Appliance forum where it will hopefully find a larger audience.

[bigger hammer]

i hope this helps many in all lines of work

(and i hope the swearing doesnt hurt anyone's virgin ears)

[bigger hammer]

didnt seem to load....trying again

[Samurai Appliance Repair Man]

Very helpful troubleshooting chart, BH! I'm going to use it it write up a post explaining the finer points of troubleshooting.

[bigger hammer]

lol.... i like to highlight the part   "did you F@#$% with it?"