You are a cheesedork if...

you resent paying anything to have me drive to your house to troubleshoot your appliance, even if you decide not to repair it.

You are a cheesedork if...

you call troubleshooting your appliance "just looking at it."

You are a cheesedork if...

you expect me to drop what I'm doing and get right over to your house, know exactly how to repair your appliance, have the part on my service van, and get it repaired in that same service call but you carp and whine nine ways to Sunday when I tell you how much it will cost to fix it.

You are a cheesedork if...

the first question you ask after I troubleshoot your appliance and tell you how much the repair will cost is "How much is a new one?" Look, I'm an appliance repair tech, not a vacuum cleaner salesman. You think I carry around appliance catalogues from all the major manufacturers?

You are a cheesedork if...

you are incapable of grasping the fundamental economic difference between the retail price for a new, mass-produced appliance and the fees charged to repair that same appliance at your house. As if the cost of banging out a million washers in a Chinese factory is somehow even remotely connected to the costs of operating an in-home repair business in the U.S. Get a clue.

You are a cheesedork if...

when you call, you inform me that you know what's wrong with your appliance and insist on knowing how much the repair will cost without me even troubleshooting it. Ummm, hold on, lemme warm up my crystal ball...

You are a cheesedork if...

you resent that I do not bill or invoice for services. Oh, you're right--as the "local provider of services" I should just send you an invoice and let my money float for 30, 60, or 90 days interest-free (if I see it at all). You wanna loan, go to the bank. You want your appliance fixed, pay me before I leave your house.

You are a cheesedork if...

you think of my business as "the local provider of services" like I'm some friggin' government agency, or something.

You are a cheesedork if...

you don't think twice about the confiscatory taxes being withheld from your paycheck or the outrageous property taxes you're forced pay, yet you'll start a modern Boston Tea Party over paying a fair price for an expert and convenient appliance repair in your home. How 'bout ranting about something that really matters, for a change?

You are a cheesedork if...

you mistake my professionalism and polite demeanor to mean it's safe for you to crab and moan to me about my bill when you know you wouldn't even make a peep to a redneck repairman about his bill.

You are a cheesedork if...

you justify your outrageous behavior to me by repeating the quaint mantra, "The customer is always right." Well, Einstein, if you're always right then whaddya need me for? Go fix it yourself.

You are a cheesedork if...

the first question you ask when calling for service is "How much...?" instead of "How soon...?" Let your fingers do the walking--call someone who doesn't have enough self-respect to tell you to take a walk.

You are a cheesedork if...

you think it should be free "'cuz it's on the innernet, an' all."

You are a cheesedork if...

you send me email whining that I'm "too cynical about people"--as if I sit around and make up all this stuff.

Puh-leez!! Folks, I wish I only made this stuff up, really I do. But the sad reality is that all this stuff is based on real encounters with real cheesedorks. Truth is, most people are just plain childish when it comes to paying for appliance repairs.